Shrek is Gay Culture
No straight would ever have skin as blemish-free as Shrek’s
Hello and welcome to the first official issue of This Is Gay Culture!
What better way to kick things off than with Shrek, perhaps the perfect encapsulation of this newsletter: an ogre who seemingly represents the very essence of straight culture, but upon further inspection with a penetrating gay eye, may well be the most flaming queen to ever exist in real life.
OK, yes, at superficial first glance, Shrek is very much your typical heterosexual icon: poor hygiene! friends with livestock! has three kids, like, a year into marriage! Classic straight people nonsense. He’s a slob who delights in his own bodily excretions and appears to have absolutely NO sense for self-grooming outside of brushing his teeth with what looks like straight-up slug ejaculate. And worst of all, he only has ONE poorly laundered outfit that he wears to both casual and formal functions, including his own wedding, which is Country Singer Level Heterosexual behavior.
BUT if we just peel back the crusty outer layer of the complicated onion that is Shrek, we start to see the dazzling homo beneath…
For one, Shrek’s swamp is undeniably the Palm Springs of Duloc. Driven to the margins by a society that would not accept him, Shrek went ahead and created his own personal gay resort outside of the city: a private outdoor hot spring, an open-air art studio, an entire mud spa complete with signage specifically banning straight people from invading his gay paradise. You can call it an unsightly swamp if you want, but Shrek is living the gay fantasy. He literally does a full-body exfoliating mud scrub every single morning in his outdoor shower, which may possibly be the gayest way to wake up. And obviously, his beauty routine is working because that mint mojito skin is absolutely flawless. His pores are virtually invisible, his face is a constant dewy glow, and for an ogre, he has conspicuously well-kept eyebrows, which is actually the gayest patch of hair to keep groomed. He may present as someone with poor hygiene, but no straight would ever have skin as blemish-free as Shrek’s. That is the result of years of following Liv Tyler’s 25-Step Beauty and Self-Care Routine, and it shows.
I would also point out that, though it may not seem like Shrek has much in the way of fashion sense, considering his primary garment is a lightly tailored potato sack, there is absolutely no functional reason for that belt. That thing is holding up NOTHING. Shrek’s thighs are covered by a pair of skintight tartan Lululemon leggings, which means the only reasonable explanation for that belt is to accentuate the waist. In other words… Shrek is cinched! That waist is snatched! And he is SERVING that hourglass figure! Not to mention the fitted snake leather vest and those ankle-high dark chocolate calfskin desert boots. I see you, sis, and I support you.
Also, and I hate to be crude, but Shrek absolutely fucks. I don’t want to debase the sanctity of this newsletter right out the gate by discussing an animated ogre’s ability to lay pipe, but I’m afraid no true homosexual consideration of Shrek would be complete without acknowledging that Shrek is objectively a hunk and can absolutely put it down whenever, wherever. And no, I won’t be giving any credit to the cursed human adonis that Shrek becomes in Shrek 2. I’m talking about bald, lime-skinned, pot-bellied OGRE Shrek. He’s hot and we should say it. And yes, because gay culture values that kind of thing, Shrek’s hotness does indeed contribute to his gay icon status.
But perhaps the biggest reason in support of Shrek’s reputation as a queer hero? The simple fact that he is a complete and utter asshole. Lashing out against the world because society literally chased you to the margins? Becoming a recluse because you’ve internalized the idea that the world finds you unlovable? Only finding happiness after you learn to publicly embrace your queerness? Honey… THAT is gay culture! And Shrek, babe… he is an absolute out and proud gay icon.
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This Week In Gay Culture
A few other gay things this week…
Maple the Beaver
Maple, a 5-year-old beaver and one of the stars of the messy reality show that is the Oregon Zoo’s Twitter presence, has all the makings of a lesbian queen: an affinity for the rustic Pacific Northwest, a fondness for chopping wood and dragging foilage indoors, and a real fuck-you attitude, as exemplified by her birthday behavior just a few weeks ago, in which she shows up, fills her mouth with all the cookies and carrots she can carry in one go, and then immediately ditches her own party in favor of a quiet night of binging alone. Gay culture!
No Gays At Pride
A quintessential tradition in gay culture: the annual infighting over who’s allowed at Pride. Every year, a tweet goes viral claiming that Pride should be exclusively family-friendly and anybody who even thinks about showing up wearing anything less than the standard-issue Target khakis and red polo is a disgrace to the gay community and singlehandedly responsible for rolling back gay rights to a time when gay people could be legally tarred and feathered on the little porch outside of any Cracker Barrel. Someone else inevitably jumps in and says, and I’m (barely) paraphrasing, “Actually, Pride is about getting railed against a recycling bin in nothing but my Chromatica jockstrap, which Lady Gaga created for this specific purpose, so leave your shitty children at home and let people do gay shit in public.” Every gay person is then required to choose between Sanitized Candyland Pride Brought To You By Bounty The Quicker Picker Upper™️ and The Festival Of The Flaming Fisting Fa**ots. Nobody wins this battle. But endless fighting over the same thing every year is Gay Culture 101.
A New Dora the Explorer?
In case you missed it, an artist committed what can only be described as a homophobic hate crime against Dora the Explorer — a famous ally of gay throuple Map, Backpack, and Boots — by turning her into some kind of Nordstrom Rack demon. New Statement-Bang Dora went viral this week as Twitter assumed this beast was sanctioned by Nickelodeon itself before it was quickly cast aside as fan art and tossed into the heap of "Things My Gay Eyes Should Never Have To See Again.” But let this be a warning: Dora is a sacred presence in gay culture and shall remain untouched.
This Gay Dumpster
I want to be mad at the gay dumpster, I really do. We didn’t ask for this. We asked for more retailers to sell shorts with 4-inch inseams. We asked for another Rihanna album. We asked for more than one gay Jonas Brother. And instead we get a gay dumpster?? But you know what… I identify so strongly with the gay dumpster, it’s impossible for me to be mad. Congratulations on coming out gay dumpster! And welcome to the culture.